Its been a long time

So I haven't been here in a long time not because i didn't want to but because i had forgotten my password. Dont ask me how that happens since its the same one i have for all my accounts. Any who I'm now a graduate of Challenge Early College Highschool....and i feel no different. I still have to go to school so it's no big deal in my opinion. I've come to realize though that somethings are not what they appear. A few weeks back I took a Trip to Florida with some family members and I thought everything was fine. We hung out like we havent in a long time and we talked and everything was just dandy. The week after that was my graduation and i had decided not to invite anybody because I didnt want to be dissapointed in the outcome. See, a dear friend of mine was having a party that day and i was almost positive that everyone was going to go to that so i just didnt want to go thru the whole dissapointment phase. The day after my graduation my aunt came to me and said that by me not inviting her i had confirmed the fact that i didnt want anything to do with the family. I was left in shock because just a week ago I had spent some of the best time with my family. This is apparently something that has been building up for a long time because she had alot to say. As I stood listening to her words I was unable to say anything because some of the words were true. Some were just plain crazy but some were harshly true.
I have changed. I've become more distant from people lately; I'm not actually sure why. Theres some people I dont want to distance myself from but yet i see that the relationship we've tried so hard for is tearing at the seams. I'm emotionless. God that sounds horrible...but its unfortunatly true. I try to keep up a good relationship with people, I really do. I'm the nice girl always smiling and parading thru the halls of life but sometimes i fear that i dont actually feel anything. Sure i get sad and happy but its momentary things. when I'm sitting at home looking at my walls I feel nothing. I wonder how many more people like me there are. Maybe not without emotions but putting up a mask. Lying to themselves about what they are or what they want to be. I think of the wife that waits for her cheating husband until 3am because he had a late meeting knowing full well that he's been with another woman she stills heats him up a plate of food and asks how the meeting went. I think of my mom... always the strong front of the family. She deceives us all and is always the motivator but at night i can hear her sobbing...Mourning deaths and wondering if it was actually her fault that my father left. I think of my step mother, never mentioning me to my step siblings...hoping that if she doesnt mention me they will never realize that I'm the eldest. That their dad belonged to someone else before she came along.... I think of the lovers wondering if they have truly chosen the person they're supposed to be with or if they missed their chance to be with their true love already. I think everyone wears a mask. I think all of us like to think we're right even when we know we're wrong. Why do we wear the masks though? How can we truly put love, or friendship or even life to the test when we're disguising ourselves as something different? Are we trying to cheat at life? or are we just too scared of what others may do when our masks are off? Is the real us too needy or too mean or too heartless or too affectionate or too nice? I know some poeple that are too needy and too mean and too heartless and too affectionate and too nice... and i can stand them. I'm assuming that theyre masks are off so then doesnt that mean we can all still remain friends? Because lets face it, our biggest fear is being alone. Before I go I leave you with a question that you may not have ever asked yourself....
are you lying to yourself too?