Kathy - The one I love most
Ask me why i love her and i wouldnt be able to answer...I just do...Maybe its the fact that she's the only person who can actually calm me down...The only person who makes sure i dont go crazy with thoughts that consume me everday...Only person i can really talk to without her judging what i do...The only person who really understands what i am...Sure, she doesnt know everything about me but she knows more than everyone else on this list combined... Me and this girl, we had our ups and downs...Those moments of happiness and love i would never trade, not for the world, not for anything...Those moments of sadness, some i wish i could replace...I wish i never hurt her as much as I did, but i did what i did and i guess im going to have to live with it...I love this girl so much...I would give my life to see her smile ...Everyday i see her i cant help but smile, because i know that she's going to do something so wierd that's going to make me laugh...This girl right here is so awesome and I wouldnt hesitate to do one thing for her...Kathy, you've have no idea how much you mean to me....You've helped me through so many of my thoughts, and so many of those sad times and you should know that i would give up my whole world just to see you smile...You have no idea how much i love you...I will always love you and i will never ever stop loving you...I know you think that you hurt me, but I feel different...I feel like i hurt you, more than you hurt me, and Im sorry for that ...If i could go back, the only times i would change would be of those times that i hurt you... Truth is...well i cant really say it here but you know what i truly wish for...Im sorry i broke your trust in me, and i'd give anything to have your trust again, even if that much...I know there's not much i can do for you, but if you ever do need anything,anything at all, know ill always be there for you...I love you kathy, more than you would ever know
The above was said about me... I think its sooo nice so i was reading it as i sometimes do when i dont think anyone is watching. The thing is even though me and this person dont have a strong bond anymore there's always something that brings us together and I'm almost positive there always will be a special thing within us. Anywho, i like it =)
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Its been a long time
So I haven't been here in a long time not because i didn't want to but because i had forgotten my password. Dont ask me how that happens since its the same one i have for all my accounts. Any who I'm now a graduate of Challenge Early College Highschool....and i feel no different. I still have to go to school so it's no big deal in my opinion. I've come to realize though that somethings are not what they appear. A few weeks back I took a Trip to Florida with some family members and I thought everything was fine. We hung out like we havent in a long time and we talked and everything was just dandy. The week after that was my graduation and i had decided not to invite anybody because I didnt want to be dissapointed in the outcome. See, a dear friend of mine was having a party that day and i was almost positive that everyone was going to go to that so i just didnt want to go thru the whole dissapointment phase. The day after my graduation my aunt came to me and said that by me not inviting her i had confirmed the fact that i didnt want anything to do with the family. I was left in shock because just a week ago I had spent some of the best time with my family. This is apparently something that has been building up for a long time because she had alot to say. As I stood listening to her words I was unable to say anything because some of the words were true. Some were just plain crazy but some were harshly true.
I have changed. I've become more distant from people lately; I'm not actually sure why. Theres some people I dont want to distance myself from but yet i see that the relationship we've tried so hard for is tearing at the seams. I'm emotionless. God that sounds horrible...but its unfortunatly true. I try to keep up a good relationship with people, I really do. I'm the nice girl always smiling and parading thru the halls of life but sometimes i fear that i dont actually feel anything. Sure i get sad and happy but its momentary things. when I'm sitting at home looking at my walls I feel nothing. I wonder how many more people like me there are. Maybe not without emotions but putting up a mask. Lying to themselves about what they are or what they want to be. I think of the wife that waits for her cheating husband until 3am because he had a late meeting knowing full well that he's been with another woman she stills heats him up a plate of food and asks how the meeting went. I think of my mom... always the strong front of the family. She deceives us all and is always the motivator but at night i can hear her sobbing...Mourning deaths and wondering if it was actually her fault that my father left. I think of my step mother, never mentioning me to my step siblings...hoping that if she doesnt mention me they will never realize that I'm the eldest. That their dad belonged to someone else before she came along.... I think of the lovers wondering if they have truly chosen the person they're supposed to be with or if they missed their chance to be with their true love already. I think everyone wears a mask. I think all of us like to think we're right even when we know we're wrong. Why do we wear the masks though? How can we truly put love, or friendship or even life to the test when we're disguising ourselves as something different? Are we trying to cheat at life? or are we just too scared of what others may do when our masks are off? Is the real us too needy or too mean or too heartless or too affectionate or too nice? I know some poeple that are too needy and too mean and too heartless and too affectionate and too nice... and i can stand them. I'm assuming that theyre masks are off so then doesnt that mean we can all still remain friends? Because lets face it, our biggest fear is being alone. Before I go I leave you with a question that you may not have ever asked yourself....
are you lying to yourself too?
I have changed. I've become more distant from people lately; I'm not actually sure why. Theres some people I dont want to distance myself from but yet i see that the relationship we've tried so hard for is tearing at the seams. I'm emotionless. God that sounds horrible...but its unfortunatly true. I try to keep up a good relationship with people, I really do. I'm the nice girl always smiling and parading thru the halls of life but sometimes i fear that i dont actually feel anything. Sure i get sad and happy but its momentary things. when I'm sitting at home looking at my walls I feel nothing. I wonder how many more people like me there are. Maybe not without emotions but putting up a mask. Lying to themselves about what they are or what they want to be. I think of the wife that waits for her cheating husband until 3am because he had a late meeting knowing full well that he's been with another woman she stills heats him up a plate of food and asks how the meeting went. I think of my mom... always the strong front of the family. She deceives us all and is always the motivator but at night i can hear her sobbing...Mourning deaths and wondering if it was actually her fault that my father left. I think of my step mother, never mentioning me to my step siblings...hoping that if she doesnt mention me they will never realize that I'm the eldest. That their dad belonged to someone else before she came along.... I think of the lovers wondering if they have truly chosen the person they're supposed to be with or if they missed their chance to be with their true love already. I think everyone wears a mask. I think all of us like to think we're right even when we know we're wrong. Why do we wear the masks though? How can we truly put love, or friendship or even life to the test when we're disguising ourselves as something different? Are we trying to cheat at life? or are we just too scared of what others may do when our masks are off? Is the real us too needy or too mean or too heartless or too affectionate or too nice? I know some poeple that are too needy and too mean and too heartless and too affectionate and too nice... and i can stand them. I'm assuming that theyre masks are off so then doesnt that mean we can all still remain friends? Because lets face it, our biggest fear is being alone. Before I go I leave you with a question that you may not have ever asked yourself....
are you lying to yourself too?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Sometimes GoodBye is a Second Start
Since I last wrote many things have changed; my family has lost a member, my relationship/social life differed and work's been even busier.
My uncle as you guys knew was sick but after 3 days in the hospital the doctors said he could go home claiming that the sickness he had was gone. On Wednesday he once more fell ill and had to go to the hospital. They determined that he only had 12 hours to live. On thursday Feb.26 my mom went to Salvador to see her brother for what could be the last time. Only a few minutes after my mom arrived at the hospital my uncle passed away. It was as if he was just waiting for her to get there...so that they could tell each other their love. So we lost him. Though he's gone he is ever much alive in our hearts. He used to call us every monday night and sometimes i still expect him to say "hola hermosa" when i pick up. My mom has ofcourse been strong during the whole episode. My aunt and cousins have taken refuge in her. She's been I guess you can say their rock. However, My cousins have started going to church in hopes of fulfilling my uncles dream about giving his testimony(about his health). My aunt dislikes the christian faith so she usually stays behind. But 2 souls for Jesus is better than none.
Relationships are tough... Its sometimes hard to keep your views in order and in focus when they can so easily be altered by someone that you keep close to your heart. However, if you see that you are starting flaw and you believe that the reason for the imperfection may be the influences...perhaps you should back away some.Its not that you dont love a person anymore its just that theyre not making you better. I dont think that when you truly love someone the love that you hold for them can go away. I think perhaps it can fade but not disappear. From everybody and every relationship i've ever had i usually forget the sour moments and try to remember the good moments i had with them. I think the more we remember something that's lost the more precious the memory becomes to us. I also think that nothing worth having is easy... so if you bail on a relation ship because it's gotten "hard" maybe the result of said relationship is amazingly great...or maybe its a warning for the other person to see you cant comit.
I would love to talk aboutmy work but its really not very interesting. Ummm i'm still taking care of Gage. She's veryactive..more than usual, she's taken up horse riding and guitar lessons. Its my responsibility to get her from school and take her to her designated lesson. As rebellious as gage is, its sometimes hard to get her out of the house on time and to class . Sometimes i feel like i have my own kid because on the days that she doesnt have class i have to take her shopping for school stuff or any necessary things. She see's me as a sister i know cause thats what she introduces me as to her friends. She tried to hook me up with her friends brother...it was embarrasing!!! I got another set of offices too, So when i get out of gage's I'm on my way to clean a small surgical clinic. That usually takes about 3 hours. Then i go to the pediatrics place on Memorial. My days are quite busy.
So...thats about all I have to say but I just remembered that i said i would talk about someone special in each of my blogs so today Imma talk about the importance of Ashlie.
She's 16. She's a junior at Bush Highschool and she's like a little sister to me. Sometimes we have our rough patches but so far nothing too serious. I relate to her alot because we both grew up with out our dads sort of. Anywho...she's really special to me. SOmetimes at school i talk about her and most of my friends hoestly think shes my little sister. I dont think i do much for her as far as hit her or tell her she's crazy....actually i do do that. lol. Yeah, i try to advise her with things...since im older i've experienced more and so i try to pass that wisdom down to her. I dont know what I would do without her...she's my little butterpoop blossom =)
*Stay tuned for more Kathy thoughts!, i'll try to not stay away for so long next time*
My uncle as you guys knew was sick but after 3 days in the hospital the doctors said he could go home claiming that the sickness he had was gone. On Wednesday he once more fell ill and had to go to the hospital. They determined that he only had 12 hours to live. On thursday Feb.26 my mom went to Salvador to see her brother for what could be the last time. Only a few minutes after my mom arrived at the hospital my uncle passed away. It was as if he was just waiting for her to get there...so that they could tell each other their love. So we lost him. Though he's gone he is ever much alive in our hearts. He used to call us every monday night and sometimes i still expect him to say "hola hermosa" when i pick up. My mom has ofcourse been strong during the whole episode. My aunt and cousins have taken refuge in her. She's been I guess you can say their rock. However, My cousins have started going to church in hopes of fulfilling my uncles dream about giving his testimony(about his health). My aunt dislikes the christian faith so she usually stays behind. But 2 souls for Jesus is better than none.
Relationships are tough... Its sometimes hard to keep your views in order and in focus when they can so easily be altered by someone that you keep close to your heart. However, if you see that you are starting flaw and you believe that the reason for the imperfection may be the influences...perhaps you should back away some.Its not that you dont love a person anymore its just that theyre not making you better. I dont think that when you truly love someone the love that you hold for them can go away. I think perhaps it can fade but not disappear. From everybody and every relationship i've ever had i usually forget the sour moments and try to remember the good moments i had with them. I think the more we remember something that's lost the more precious the memory becomes to us. I also think that nothing worth having is easy... so if you bail on a relation ship because it's gotten "hard" maybe the result of said relationship is amazingly great...or maybe its a warning for the other person to see you cant comit.
I would love to talk aboutmy work but its really not very interesting. Ummm i'm still taking care of Gage. She's veryactive..more than usual, she's taken up horse riding and guitar lessons. Its my responsibility to get her from school and take her to her designated lesson. As rebellious as gage is, its sometimes hard to get her out of the house on time and to class . Sometimes i feel like i have my own kid because on the days that she doesnt have class i have to take her shopping for school stuff or any necessary things. She see's me as a sister i know cause thats what she introduces me as to her friends. She tried to hook me up with her friends brother...it was embarrasing!!! I got another set of offices too, So when i get out of gage's I'm on my way to clean a small surgical clinic. That usually takes about 3 hours. Then i go to the pediatrics place on Memorial. My days are quite busy.
So...thats about all I have to say but I just remembered that i said i would talk about someone special in each of my blogs so today Imma talk about the importance of Ashlie.
She's 16. She's a junior at Bush Highschool and she's like a little sister to me. Sometimes we have our rough patches but so far nothing too serious. I relate to her alot because we both grew up with out our dads sort of. Anywho...she's really special to me. SOmetimes at school i talk about her and most of my friends hoestly think shes my little sister. I dont think i do much for her as far as hit her or tell her she's crazy....actually i do do that. lol. Yeah, i try to advise her with things...since im older i've experienced more and so i try to pass that wisdom down to her. I dont know what I would do without her...she's my little butterpoop blossom =)
*Stay tuned for more Kathy thoughts!, i'll try to not stay away for so long next time*
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Something's Wrong
Ever feel like the strange sensation that something somewhere is going very wrong? Like there's something inside of you that makes you scared? Yeah well thats how I've felt for the past two weeks. And for the longest i didnt know what was going on. Actually...to be honest i'm still not too sure of whats happening. About two days ago i received some news that my uncle was very sick in the hospital. I'm not too sure what exactly he has but he kept bleeding from random parts of his body. Saturday night the doctors had found no blood in order to perform a transfusion. They called my mom from Salvador and told her there was nothing else they could do for him. Around midnight a strange man came to his room. He had the same type of blood as my uncle. My cousins soon told him what was going on and he told my family a little about himself. He was a traveling minister and had accidentally wound up at my uncles room looking for someone else. It was midnight when he gave blood to my uncle. At 3 am Sunday we received a call that My uncle had ceased all bleeding. My mother and I were still very hesitant and my mom bought a plane ticket to go spend time with my uncle during his "last hours". I made plans for everything and rearranged my moms work schedule. Everything was set for my uncle's death. ..everything except his actual death. Later on Sunday evening our family called us telling us that my uncle had recupporated as if by a miracle. He had accepted Jesus, so had my cousins. My aunt hasnt...yet. But this minister ahs stayed with my family and spoken words to them that have given them a renewed faith in God. It's been amazing and exasparating what my uncle has gone through. He is indeed the one that is most thankful for the secondchance.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Guidance
So I'm sitting in my guidance class just surfing the net...
well, i was checking out some people's blogs and i thought about how sad it was that i still didnt have one! I'm one of the chicks that spends much time on the computer and for me not to have started this earlier...well its a dissapointment to computer chicks all over the nation. Anywho, I have now started this bloggerism....My sister alma just pointed out that i do blogs on myspace...well there goes that initial euphoria. =( So lemme describe to you my environment at the moment... theres about 15 kids in here...I'm among the oldest. We're all seniors though. Theres one playing with a mexican toy : the stick attached to the ball by the string. theres others playing on the computer such as myself and then theres the people I usually hang out with and they're not doing anything productive either, they're just talking. This is my first classs of the day and lemme tell you, its not the kinda class that will get me up and running for the rest of the day. Now alma, theres a chick that will wake you up for the day. Her boyfriend is Jorge, He thinks alma belongs to him but thats such a lie. She's mine. OH HEY! i know what imma do! when ever i post something up here its gonna be dedicated to a special person. so stay tuned =)
well, i was checking out some people's blogs and i thought about how sad it was that i still didnt have one! I'm one of the chicks that spends much time on the computer and for me not to have started this earlier...well its a dissapointment to computer chicks all over the nation. Anywho, I have now started this bloggerism....My sister alma just pointed out that i do blogs on myspace...well there goes that initial euphoria. =( So lemme describe to you my environment at the moment... theres about 15 kids in here...I'm among the oldest. We're all seniors though. Theres one playing with a mexican toy : the stick attached to the ball by the string. theres others playing on the computer such as myself and then theres the people I usually hang out with and they're not doing anything productive either, they're just talking. This is my first classs of the day and lemme tell you, its not the kinda class that will get me up and running for the rest of the day. Now alma, theres a chick that will wake you up for the day. Her boyfriend is Jorge, He thinks alma belongs to him but thats such a lie. She's mine. OH HEY! i know what imma do! when ever i post something up here its gonna be dedicated to a special person. so stay tuned =)
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